Viewed – 31 January 2008  DVD

What makes a good horror movie?  Well for one, you hope its frightening.  If your a fan of gore – you want the claret to be flying, and well, how about a bit of imagination?  Screaming z-list actors? – check.  Deformed madman?  check.  Haunted woodland?  check (OK, its a swamp – same difference).  So where oh where does this go so horribly wrong?

Obviously we’re in low budget land here, which normally I’m fine with (to be honest, my much loved Dario Argento never has much money to work with)…whereas this director, well, he’s seen a few dodgy eighties horror movies…and learnt how to make a poor copy.  So there’s a back story involving some deformed guy (Friday 13th regular Kane Hodder) who was burnt to death many years ago, and now haunts the swamp – oh heck, cut the bullshit – the story is rubbish!  Even the gang of twenty-somethings are so annoying you cheer at the screen when one of them is killed (and the deaths are the only calling card this film has – they are uniformly over the top and lacking in any imagination…no build up, no tension, no panache whatsover…).  When you consider directors like Peter Jackson and Sam Raimi cut their teeth on this shit, and still managed to deliver excessively clever gore films (ala Bad Taste, Braindead, The Evil Dead)…then it begs the question – who gave this hideously untalented man the green light?  Was it the clever script…duh, no!  The heavy weight talent that it attracted?  Cameos by Robert Englund and Tony Todd justify nothing…and most insultingly of all, respected Internet critic Harry Knowles, who I would normally champion – says its the ‘next icon in horror’ – is he insane???  Or was he being Ironic??? Or paid the rest of this films meagre budget to sell a few copies before anyone found out?

“Kane Hodder creates a horror film icon that if all goes as I pray to God it does with this film… that will stand alongside Jason, Michael Myers and Freddy.” -Harry Knowles.

The movie even tries to be funny – and it so definitely isn’t – not for a second.  Not even unintentionally.  Ok, maybe slightly.  Oh well…at least its got tits and gore in it.  That’s something.  😛

Verdict:  2 /5

1 thought on “Hatchet

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